I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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