I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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