Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
