i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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