Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
