In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I love you.
Bad choice
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