my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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