Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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