Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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