he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
