Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
