i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
