i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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