she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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