I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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