The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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