how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
