you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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