I wish my penis had an off switch
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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