highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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