When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
