At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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