mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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