I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
