I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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