Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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