Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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