there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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