dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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