You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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