She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
