you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
