the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
