Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
