i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
