A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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