The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
