Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
