Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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