I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
