My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
