why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
