there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need to sanitize my soul.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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