my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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