Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
