sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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