Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
