I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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