this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
