Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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