I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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