every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
