I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
