Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
