if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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