His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
