i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
