Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
