i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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