The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
