I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
