do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
