Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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